Warning : This post contains a serious amount of question marks!
I have a decision to make soon.
Although actually I think I’ve already made the decision, I’m just not sure if it’s the right one.
Miss Frugal is going up in to Year 6 when she goes back to school in September and yesterday, I got the forms for choosing a secondary school for her to go to. We have two choices really – the Academy less than five minutes walk from our house with the not so great Ofsted report or the Catholic school that’s a bit further away with the excellent Ofsted report.
On paper the decision should be easy – clearly you would send your child to the best school that you can because you want to give them the best possible start to life.
But…. All of her friends will be going to the Academy and as they’ve been together in the same class since Reception class, I know that it’ll be hard for her to start over again knowing no one. She’s very confident and outgoing at the moment – what if putting her in an environment where everyone knows everyone other than her is bad for her? What if she finds it difficult to make friends and loses some of that confidence?
And then there’s the fact that although the Academy has a poor Ofsted report and a not great reputation, they do have plans in place to improve and she’s very bright, so surely she would do well wherever she went to school???
Should I let her go to the Academy and trust that she will work hard and hope that with our support she will thrive as she would at the other school? Clearly this is the easiest option as we’re right in the catchment area and all of her friends are going there.
Or should I apply for the Catholic school, knowing that we may not get her in as we’re not religious and we’re only just in the catchment area?
What would you do?
If I told you that I had decided that I was going to apply for the Catholic school knowing that I would split her up from all her friends if she gets in, would you think I was a bad parent?
Because that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.
It's a tough one. My daughter is also in year 6, very bright and reasonably confident. Both her best friends will go to separate secondary schools. We have the choice of sending her to a secondary school that most of her schoolmates will go to, good Estyn (Welsh equivalent of Ofsted) report, school bus supplied but in an area that isn't very good, or to an ex grammar school, similar Estyn report, no transport and a bugger to get to but in a lovely area, where she'd possibly know no-one. I'm probably going to go for the first school as first choice and the second as second choice. All other schools are too far away to consider. Good luck with your decision.
I went to a grammar school where I knew no body while all my friends went to the local comp. I wasn't very confident but made friends and I KNOW my mum made the right choice for me and my education.
You can't act on what if's, you have to act on what you know now and what your gut tells you.
Been there, done it, bought the T shirt! Our local secondary school had a pretty terrible reputation, did poorly in the league tables and Ofsted were fairly damning of it! But Splosh was insistent that's where he wanted to go and so we agreed, on the basis that with us supporting him at home and encouraging him, he would still achieve his potential. Bernard went to the same place. It was their decision not mine! I didn't have to go to the school everyday for 5 years, they did, and they had to be happy there. Primary friends that were sent elsewhere had a tough time and many of them totally switched off to learning. My 2 came out with fantastic results and are now making huge strides into adult live.
You have to do what is right for your family, but she is the one who has to go there everyday, and sometimes we have to step back as parents and let them make decisions for themselves. Talk to her about it, the pro and cons of both schools and maybe let her decide.
Ofsted and league tables aren't everything!
Purely my opinion, and I might change it as my kid grows up, but I don't think friends should be a factor at this point. Friends are easy to make, especially if you are 6; and old friends are extremely pleasant to be in touch with. I know kids that meet with friends from previous schoold several times a year and they love it at the same time never missing them.
Rather than getting dependent on certain people (friends) from this early age, focus your daughter on being able to meet new friends, have the social skills, learn to love to help people and be helped. Making new friends literally takes easy-going kids half a day, so you could prepare her for that, describe how nice it is to start things over in a new group of people (and it is nice!).
So do what you think is best and help yuor daughter enjoy it.
Purely my 2 cents, feel free to disagree 🙂
Hello. We are no where near your stage of parenting (my boys are 3 and 1). However I love the way my Dad and Step Mum handled this for me. They had a similar situation with two schools to choose from. A lot of my friends were going to the “better” school so they thought it would be a given that I would want to go there. We lived just outside the catchment and the other school was 5 minutes away. In the end my parents took me to both open days and let me decide. No influence no “yes buts” etc. They just went with my decision. I chose the closer school because it was a lot smaller and I preferred the atmosphere. I also saw two older lads fighting during the open day of the “better” school which really put me off. They let both my brothers decide in the same way (we have biv gaps). They have since said they were worried to death that they had gone about the decision the wrong way until they saw me thrive. So that’s my tuppence worth. Involve her in the decision and see what she has to say x
We just went through this with my son. He was actually angry for awhile that we didn't choose the school that we as his parents decided would be too hard academically (and where he would know NO ONE) but instead chose the one that would still challenge him academically, AND has friends going there. He was also not happy that we didn't even consider a third school where half of his class from last year is going. It is always tough to make the "right choice" for your children, but you just have to trust that you are, and be ready to fix it if it necessary. Not to mention deal with them "hating you" until they realize it is all going to be OK. He has gotten over it, and is excited about the new year starting.
The religious aspect of the second choice school makes it a no brainer for me..we're not christian and I therefore wouldn't even consider it. However, take that aspect away and I absolutely would not have any qualms in choosing whichever school would be 'better' based on school visits and personal research..the 'friends' thing,while it seems the most crucial to the child at the moment,isn't really in the long term. I have two twenty-something kids who made it through school just fine despite moving to a completely different area of the country and having to make new friends. I also have a 9 year old so it won't be too long before I'm going through all this again.Good luck whatever you decide..
Thank you for commenting – I think I need to take the friends part out of the equation and look at the rest of it objectively x
oh it's a tough one isn't it? I guess the main thing is to visit both schools and trust your instinct as to which one will be right for your child. Do you know the Catholic school's attitude to non-religious children? Do they make an effort to include everybody or will it make a difference?
THat's something I haven't thought of Joanne – thanks very much for mentioning it. I'll find our before I make my decision x
I’m a firm believer that children will thrive in any school if they have supportive parents, a good sense of their own self and an interest in learning and achieving. As the daughter of two teachers and the wife of a teacher I know that OFSTED reports and statistics aren’t always a true reflection of a school. Far more important are the things you can’t quantify – the atmosphere, the overall “feel” of the school. I went to a “failing” school in a deprived part of the city I grew up in. On paper, it wasn’t a “good” school. I left with 11 GCSEs, 5 of those A’s and 2 A*’s. But, just as importantly, I left with an all-round sense of learning. I met friends who I otherwise wouldn’t have made, from all sorts of different backgrounds, and I learned lessons about life which have stood me in good stead since. I went on to get 3 A’s at A’Level, a degree and a distinction at Masters level. I truly believe that my home environment, interest in learning and the dedicated teachers (often leading the way with innovative ideas and approaches in a bid to engage the more challenging kids) all contributed to that. I guess what I’m saying is that, sometimes, it’s not as cut and dried as the “best” school on paper. Sorry for the huge comment! x
I have to agree with Molly 100%. What you don't say is how long ago the bad Ofsted or the excellent Ofsted reports were. My kids primary school's last one wasn't great but my kids are doing really well and school has worked hard to address everything brought up. They also felt unfairly treated by a very VERY grumpy inspector. On the other hand, my friend went through hoops to get her children into a local school that is outstanding rated. 3 years on, we are taking in pupils from that school after one child moved and other parents weren't happy with it. Outstanding reports are not the be all and end all. Go see the schools and see how YOU feel about them. If you have concerns over the report, ask at the school what they are doing to address the issues raised. If it was sometime ago, they should be able to give you chapter and verse on what they have done since. My personal problem now is that Outstanding schools don't have to be re-inspected anymore so they can get complacent and stagnate a little. Ofsted is mostly definitely NOT the whole picture at all.
Personally, Catholic schools are off the agenda for us as OH went to one and didn't like it. He didn't like the religion forced on him so perhaps this is another thing to ask when you visit it. Rumblings about the local Catholic high aren't good here either as the new head left suddenly.
Good luck with your decision but please, do not base it solely on what Ofsted say. The best school is not necessarily the best for your child. Well supported children do well anywhere.
I think both OFSTED reports are quite recent Kate but now I'm thinking that I should speak to the schools and then make my own decision. She's such a confident little girl and I would hate to change that by making the wrong decision.
Thanks Molly – I really appreciate your perspective, it's definitely made me think again. I have visited the school and I actually quite liked it if I'm honest. It's purely the OFSTED report that has put me off – I knew it wasn't a great school but I was confident that she would thrive anyway because she's that sort of child.
You need to do whats right for your daughter, just as you will make another decision based on whats right for your son when the time comes. I would look round both with your child and then discuss both with her, then make the choice on what you think is right. Remember, they will make new friends very quickly and just because she's at a different school to some of her friends, it doesn't mean she will lose contact. If they are good friends then they can still meet up at the park etc.
We were in a similar position last September – a poor academy that all friends were going to, a secondary that I didn't think was right and a secondary that had a good ofstead, a good reputation and just seemed right. After looking round all three, the academy and the second secondary more than twice(!) both my son and I chose the secondary knowing that he would likely be on his own. As it turns out, one other friend is going, they start in two weeks and are both excited. They have also seen lots of their current friends over the holidays and plan to meet up lots plus chat via phone/text/Skype!
My kids are now in their 30's but I learned a long time ago to trust my gut instinct because whenever I didn't I almost always regretted it. You might not be able to articulate the reason, but you still know what is best for your child.
And no, you are far from a bad parent. it is your job to make the tough decisions and to do what you think is best. Trust yourself and let yourself off the hook if you can.
Thank you Sandy – it's hard knowing what to do for the best I just know what I think is best and if I don't do it, I think I'll regret it x
One thing you don't seem to have covered…where would she prefer herself? When I was this age my mum wanted to send me to the Grammar school in the next town instead of the local secondary where all my friends were going but didn't have such a good rep (in fact it had a pretty awful one lol). I refused. I worked hard and eventually became qualified as an Electronics Engineer after going to college, then went on to be a Railway Signalling Engineer. At the time it was pretty unusual for a girl. Point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't really matter where you send her if her heart isn't in it. And I know I'd have HATED being sent to that Grammar School!
She's actually very open when I ask her now and she says she'd be happy to go to the other school but I worry that she's just thinking that it's a novelty to go to a different school and hasn't actually thought it through if you see what I mean.
Being a good parent is about making the right decision, not the easy one. I bet you have given it a lot of thought, and therefore it will be a good choice whatever you decide to do!
Thanks so much Sonya – no one said it was going to be this hard did they x x
I had a similar choice for my dylan, in that we had a not so great secondary close by or he could take the 11plus and apply for grammar school. He and all his friends took the 11 plus, he was the only boy who passed. I had to choose between the two, like you knowing that he would know no-one at the grammar.
We visited both, and some out of catchment area just to get a feel for them. In the end we went with the grammar. He has made new friends, and is still I’m contact with many from his old school. So now has more. It wasnt an easy decision, but I’m glad we made that choice now.
Good luck with choosing x
Thank you for sharing your experience Sarah – I'm glad it all worked out for you and your son x x
I think any decision you make would make you a good parent. Because you asked, and because we are in a somewhat similar crossroad, I will tell you the truth. I would apply to the Catholic school.
Friends are important. Don't get me wrong. They are. But if the year after that they move themselves? Or they change class? Or the school doesn't implement those improvement plans? If you had no other choice i would say go to the academy and make sure she gets the best education with extras and things outside the school. But if you have the option for a better school, with better education, probably nice new girls, and an excellent Ofsted, which is rather tough to come by. I moved a lot as a kid. It does has its prices, but it is really not the end of the world, and our children deserve the best we can give them.
Anyway it's just because you asked what we would do… I am sure any decision you reach is the right one, because there is no right and wrong, and you know – you can never know what would happen really with the road not taken. Good luck!
Orli
Thanks for sharing – I think that's how I feel. Try and get her the best I can and if I can't then make the best of what we do get. I'm sure she'll do well anywhere but I just know that I should try my hardest to get the best school x
When I was 12, my parents faced the same conundrum. Send me to the local high school, five minutes from our house, which had a great report, or send me to an even better Catholic school, 20 minutes away via a bus, where all of my friends were going, as our primary school was a feeder.
They chose the local one.
I did brilliantly at school. No school is free from bullies, or trouble causers, or bad teachers, but if you are a good pupil and want to do well, you will. At the same time, good friends last, others don't. Not many of us are still friends with our primary school friends, even though, at the time, I cried my eyes out when my parents told me their decision. My new school were so good – helping with intro days and helping me make friends – we all have to make new friends – it's part of life.
I was happy. I'm happy now. And I'm not lacking in friends at all. They may not be as close as I'd like, but that's more to do with motherhood than anything else.
Friends can be fickle and may not last a lifetime, but your education keeps on giving well into your future.
That completely sums up everything that I feel – thank you very much x x
You have totally made the right decision. As the mother of a very bright daughter I am bombarded with her asking to change schools on almost a daily basis as she feels she is just not learning anything. When my son went to Secondary School he left his best friends behind and has made extra friends and kept his old ones. There was a boy there who had no friends with him as he was from a catholic school further out but everyone made a beeline for him, including my son (who lost out in the end LOL). I'm sure your daughter would have plenty of people wanting to befriend her and that the academic life would suit your daughter better too. It's a win win situation, new friends (keep the old) and better learning.
That's a good point – she could end up with double the friends 😉
Thanks for making me feel a bit better about it x x
I would trust your instincts. My mother did this to me – didn't send me to the catholic school when all my friends were going there. Sent me to the local Grammar – it was the right decision – hope it helps.
Thank you – I think you're right x x
The fact that you are agonising over this makes you an excellent parent, not a bad one. I think that you should do what you sound like you want to: send her to the Catholic school, and go to work on finding a couple of people that she can get to know between now and then who will also go to the Catholic school with her. Then she won't feel like she doesn't know anyone.
That would make me feel so much better if I knew she's know someone – that's a great idea x x x
I wouldn't think you were a bad parent at all, just trying to do what is best for your child. It's a hard decision, luckily one I wont have to face here as there's one high school per area and your kids go there whether you like it or not (not in my case) or you pay for them to be schooled at a private school which we can't afford. When I was younger the kids in my primary school had a choice of 4 grammar schools and about 6 high schools so we were always going to be spread out. I chose my own school and there were only 2 other girls from my primary school going there, although I knew other kids going to the boys school and high school just down the road who we saw before and after school. There were 4 classes per year and each of us was in a different class and we drifted apart so knowing people at the school doesn't necessarily mean anything if it's a large school. It certainly helped though in the first few days and weeks having someone I knew who would be there at break and lunch time to play with or talk to. I think at that age you sometimes need something familiar when faced with a huge school with hundreds pf pupils compared to the cosy surroundings of a smaller primary school you're used to.
My school had excellent ofsted reports, I got good results but I didn't revise for any exam as I was too busy having fun and going out with my friends to revise when I was younger and I could have done better but that just goes to show league tables don't mean a thing, it's the child and whether they choose to do well in their exams etc, not the school you put them in. There were kids in the high school down the road that had terrible ofsted results who got better exam results than I did at the grammar school because they worked their bums off and didn't mess about like I did. If she's bright and willing to try hard she'll do well at any school. I know it must be a huge worry but you almost have to put your trust in her not the school and if the school's really that bad once she's been there a year you can always move her as a last resort and vice versa if she doesn't get on well at the other school x
That's exactly what I keep coming back to – if she's going to do well and I'm here to support her then surely it doesn't matter where she goes and I know she would hate not knowing anyone – even if she made friends soon enough.
There's good things and bad things about every school and there'll always be someone to be a bad influence won't there?
That's actually a good point about being able to move her if I think it's going pear shaped and it would probably be easier to get her in mid year.
I'm sure they never said that being a parent was this hard did they?
Personally, I think you should always do whatever is right for your child and your child’s future and at that age, they’ll still find it easy to make friends. I did the whole going to church thing to get my child into the school I wanted and don’t feel bad about it at all as our little boy is as bright as a button and in the wrong school he would have suffered. Don’t beat yourself up as anybody in that situation would do the same thing!
Thanks Justine – I worry that in the wrong environment she could suffer which is why I'm concerned.
Thanks for commenting x